Hazing Miss Cooper
by GMTH
Summary: Based on The Fugitive/US Marshals: The team makes life interesting for Savannah Cooper's first few days on Sam Gerard's warrants squad.


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Disclaimers: Not sure who they belong to, but I know they ain't mine. This is story set in the The Fugitive/US Marshals universe. 

Please don't sue me. You wouldn't be able to take my imagination anyway, and that's about all I have.

Rating: PG 

Summary: The team makes life interesting for Savannah Cooper's first few days on Sam Gerard's warrants squad. 

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HAZING MISS COOPER

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Monday mornings should be outlawed, Cosmo Renfro thought, yawning hugely. He poured half a pot of coffee into his oversized mug and blew off the steam, then took a tentative sip. "Bleah," he winced, tasting the bitter brew. "Biggs, you make the coffee again?" 

Biggs lumbered into the conference room and threw his day planner on the table. "Yep, I did," he replied, easing into a chair. "Nice and strong, just the way you like it, Cosmo."

"I like it strong, but this shit could power an 18-wheeler on an interstate trip." Cosmo glanced up just as Newman entered the room. "Watch the coffee, Newman," he warned. "It'll make your ponytail fall out." 

Noah smiled and held up a large styrofoam cup labeled "Dunkin' Donuts." "I came prepared," he said, tossing a box of doughnuts and a creased pile of paper napkins onto the table. 

"Smart kid," Cosmo replied. 

"You gotta have strong coffee for an early morning staff meeting," Biggs protested. "It's bad enough putting up with a boss who –" In the middle of his sentence, Sam entered the room, slamming the door shut behind him. Without losing a beat, Biggs continued, "– is an inspiration to us all just by his very presence among us." 

Sam snorted. He leaned over the table and picked the top napkin up off the stack. Tossing it to Biggs, he said, "Here Bob, wipe that brown stuff on your nose." He sat down, chuckling, and called the meeting to order. 

For the next hour, the team reviewed their open cases. Sam was about to dismiss them when he snapped his fingers and said, "Just remembered. Word finally came through on Poole's replacement." Erin Poole, the only female member of the team, had left their happy little family a few weeks before when her husband's company had transferred him to Philadelphia. Sam was rifling through the file in front of him as he spoke. "She starts tomorrow. Name is, uh… Sarah something. Sarah Connor, I think." 

"Sarah Connor?!" Biggs smirked. 

"I'll be bach," Noah intoned in a deep, accented voice.

"No, no, here it is," Sam replied, locating the elusive sheet of paper he'd been searching for. "Savannah Cooper. Five years' experience in Charleston. Decorated for bravery last year. Spotless record. Looks like she'll be a good addition to the team." He closed the file and pointed at Biggs and Cosmo, punctuating the gesture with a glare. "Now listen, you two jokers. I want you to leave this one alone. None of the crap like you pulled on Newman. You read me?" 

Biggs smiled while Cosmo tried to stifle a laugh. "Aw c'mon, Sammy," Biggs protested jokingly. "Newman loved it. Besides," he continued as Newman pulled a face, "how's she going to know she's part of the team if we don't razz her a little?"  
  
"NO, Bob. No practical jokes, you got it?"

Biggs and Cosmo exchanged a look. "Sure Sammy," Cosmo replied. "We promise." But a moment later, he winked surreptitiously at Biggs, a move which was not lost on Sam. 

************************************************************

Cooper settled comfortably in her office chair, relieved to finally get a quiet moment to herself. _First day on the job and I'm already feeling stressed out_, she thought. 

The morning had been a busy one. At dawn, Sam had treated her to bagels and coffee in the building cafeteria and then taken her on a tour of the shooting range, gym and locker rooms before accompanying her to a wearying two-hour interview with Catherine Walsh. Now it was time to get down to work. She had been instructed to start by logging onto to the intranet and completing the electronic personnel forms. She turned on her PC, reflecting on the warm welcome she'd received from her new teammates while she waited for the machine to boot up. The cute, young one named Noah had been particularly gracious, and she was very touched by the bouquet of flowers Cosmo had left on her desk before she arrived that morning. 

She grasped the mouse and went to click on the icon that would establish her connection to the network. What the hell…? she thought. She slid the mouse across the pad, but the cursor did not follow her movements. She tapped the mouse gently against her desk top, then pressed it against the pad harder, clicking on both buttons. Still nothing. "Damn…" she muttered.

Biggs was walking by and heard the expletive. "What's up?" he asked pleasantly, stepping into her cube. 

"I'm having problems with my mouse," she explained, leaning in closer to the screen just in case the cursor *was* moving and she had missed it. 

"Hmmmm. Let me try it." Biggs performed the same series of steps with the same lack of effect. "That's weird. Mouse must be defective. Better call the help desk – extension 159."

Twenty minutes later, a bespectacled IS tech turned the mouse over and removed the plate covering the mouse ball. "Here's your problem," he said through his nose, removing a strip of scotch tape which held the ball in place. "Looks to me like you're the victim of a practical joke, Deputy," he said, locking the plate back in place. 

Noah's desk was next to Cooper's, and when he heard the technician leave he stepped into her office. "You got off easy," he remarked wryly. "Biggs and Renfro are famous for that kind of stuff. They made my first two weeks here a living hell."

"Really? What did they do?" 

Noah sat on the corner of Cooper's desk and crossed his arms. "Well, for openers they programmed my phone so all my calls were forwarded to one of those 900 number sex lines. Shocked the hell out of my mother." Savannah couldn't help but grin. "Then they rigged up one of my desk drawers so when I opened it, the ceiling panel over my head opened up and poured glitter all over me. But the piece de resistance was when they had some woman call me – pretending to be from the phone company – and tell me they were about to test some new phone circuits by blowing hot steam through the lines. She said I was to keep everyone in the office off the phones for the next ten minutes. I panicked. I even ran into Sam's office and snatched the phone right out of his hand. God, I felt like the dumbest shit alive."

Cooper guffawed, picturing the look on Sam's face as Noah burst into his office and tore the receiver from his hand. Noah smiled good naturedly, then said, "Yeah, it's funny now, but at the time, I was humiliated." He stood up and made his way out of the cube. "Just be on the look out," he called over his shoulder. "They're incurable."

************************************************************

The next morning, Cooper walked into her cube and stopped short, her mouth hanging open in amazement. "Oh… my… GOD," she murmured, staring wide-eyed at her desk. Someone had stapled several hundred Dixie cups together and filled each one halfway full of colored water. The cups covered the entire surface of her desktop, and the monstrosity was too unwieldy to move without spilling water all over her files, computer and paperwork. She gasped, then plunked down in her chair, unsure whether to laugh or cry. 

She heard Noah walk by on the way to his desk, and hurried into his cube. The young Marshal was just shrugging out of his overcoat. "You're not going to believe this!" she whispered furiously. "Go over and look at my desk."

Noah gave her a quizzical look and did as she instructed. When he saw the cups, he turned to Cooper with a shocked look on his face. "Those guys are unbelievable," he said. 

"I want to get them back," Cooper replied. She surveyed the mess on her desk again, then dipped her finger into one of the cups and flicked the water against the wall. 

"I'm with *you*," Noah said. He regarded her thoughtfully for a moment, then said, "I know how we can get one of them, at least. When I was in college, we played a great joke on one of the guys who lived in my dorm. Here's what we'll do. This afternoon, I'll suggest to Cosmo that we work out together downstairs…"

************************************************************

Later that afternoon, Noah came running into Cooper's office, clad in a sweaty T-shirt and shorts. "OK, Cosmo is getting ready to get in the shower. Let's go!" Giggling in anticipation, Cooper and Noah ran down the stairs to the basement and quietly entered the men's locker room. The room echoed with the staccato sound of running water, and steam billowed from two of the shower stalls. Glancing around furtively to make sure the coast was clear, the conspirators crept into the room. Cooper pulled a large metal bucket from under the row of sinks and filled it with cold water. Newman pointed to one of the shower stalls. "You want me to do it?" he whispered, but Cooper shook her head. She wanted to exact her own revenge. 

She lugged the bucket to the empty stall next to the one Noah had indicated and lifted it up onto the interior bench. Then she climbed up onto the bench, hoisted the bucket up over the wall and poured its contents over the head of the occupant in the adjoining stall. He spluttered and bellowed in surprise and rage. Whooping with laughter, she beat it out of there as fast as she could, still clutching the bucket handle in her fist. 

"That'll teach him!" Cooper declared, turning to give Noah a high five. But her celebration was short lived. 

"Uh, Cooper… what are you doing in here?" a voice behind her said. She froze, recognizing the voice, and turned slowly to behold Biggs and Cosmo entering the locker room. 

"Wha…? How…?" she stammered, then her mouth fell open in horror. "If you're out here, then who…?"

A moment later, Sam came out of the shower room with a towel wrapped around his waist. His face was red with fury and he was cursing a blue streak. "Who the HELL –" He caught sight of Cosmo and Biggs and pointed at them, glowering. "You guys have pulled your last stupid stunt, I promise you that!"

Cosmo and Biggs exchanged confused looks. Then Cooper stepped forward and said, "No, Sam. It was me."

Sam glared at her, his brow furrowed. "YOU?" he responded.

In the ensuing silence, only one sound could be heard. Noah was leaning against the wall, shouting with laughter. "I gotcha!" he declared, pointing at Cooper. 

Cooper stared at him in surprise as Biggs started to laugh, as well. "Noah! You mean *you* were behind these jokes all along?" 

"Kid!" Cosmo said, breaking into a wide smile. "I never knew you had it in ya!" 

But Sam was not amused. He looked at each of his deputies in turn, then grabbed the bucket out of Cooper's hand. "Hold him down," he instructed, pointing at Noah, then strutted back to the sinks and filled the bucket again. Smiling grimly, he tossed the water at the team, thoroughly soaking the four of them. They collapsed into a wet heap and laughed for a good five minutes, wiping the cold water – and their tears of hilarity – from their eyes. 

When they finally settled down, Sam went back into the locker room to get dressed, and Cosmo looked mournfully at his wet clothing. "Damn," he said. "This is a silk tie. It's ruined!"

"Don't worry about it, Cosmo," Newman replied. "I think Sammy will be apologizing and asking for our help in a few minutes."

Cosmo stared at Newman, an incredulous look on his face. "What the hell makes you think THAT?" 

Noah grinned. "Because… before I ran upstairs to get Cooper just now, I glued his pant legs together."


End file.
